An Open Letter To Spammers

For some reason I have been inundated with spam e-mail messages for the last month. I'm sure I did something I shouldn't have done - went to a website that grabbed my address, printed a coupon from somewhere that sent my address somewhere, you get the picture. So I'm writing the following letter and maybe I'll just hit reply, paste this letter in the message and send it back to the spammer. Think it would help?

Dear Sir or Madam:
1. No thank you, I do not wish to join your dating service. I have been married for nearly 46 years now and so far, so good. My husband prefers that I not date anyone but him and, frankly, I wouldn't like to go to the trouble to train another man. It was hard enough the first time.
2. No thank you, I do not want Viagra. I am a female and that medication is not designed for me. Besides, who in their right mind would buy medication from an unknown person somewhere in an unheard of country for such a personal area of their lives. Unless they secretly have a death wish.
3. No thank you, I do not want new kitchen cabinets. The ones I have may be old but it hurts my feelings when you hint that they are worn out, dilapidated, and need replacing. They might not be new but they work very well and are perfectly servicable. I'm old too and I hope no one is planning to replace me just because of that.
4. No thank you, I do not need any Asian girlfriends. It has nothing to do with their being Asian, by the way. It's just that all my girlfriends are quilters and we already have our own group.
5. No thank you, I do not want to send you my social security number, my bank account number or my telephone number. To be perfectly honest I no longer remember all those numbers and would have to ask my husband for them. And he doesn't act nice when I do that. He seems to think we do not need the 5 million dollars you so kindly offered us. If it were only me I'd certainly consider it because I can never get enough fabric and that 5 million dollars would help with my I-really-need-that-fabric list.
6. No thank you, I do not wish to return to college, even if you're sure I could get government aid. First of all, I have a bachelor's degree, a master's degree, and 27 post graduate hours and that's enough for me. Secondly, I'm afraid if I went back to school someone would expect me to go to work when I graduated (again) and I don't plan to return to the work force. And last, but certainly not least, if the government gave me aid they would witout a doubt want something in return - like more taxes, loan payments more than my income or a few years in the Peace Corp. And I don't like the sound of any of those options.
7. No thank you, I do not want you to cut any trees in my yard. I have lots of trees and I love every one of them. I love some more than others but it's not like I'm their mother and have to love them all the same. I confess I have favorites. The dogwoods. They're definitely my favorites. The oaks follow close behind though. And even though my husband says ugly words when the sweet gum trees drop their gumballs I love them too - they give really good shade. Now I do have some cedar bushes and some hedge that I might consider allowing you to take a power saw to if you can guarantee that they wouldn't just grow back.
8. No thank you, I do not wish to claim the free airline ticket you have offered. Can I be honest here? I've never heard of that airline and when I tried to google it, nothing came up. If it's so new that it's not on Google I feel sure I should wait until it's at least made a flight or two. The maiden voyage doesn't hold any appeal for me. And if you meant Southwest Airlines when you said Sttthwst Airlines, I checked and they don't fly to Zimbabwe.
9. No thank you, I do not wish to change cable providers. It's not that I like the cable provider I currently have because I barely know them. But since we already get 275 sports channels, and I hate sports, adding another 137 sports channels makes me want to throw something myself.
10. No thank you, I do not wish to claim my inheritance from a distant relative that I've never heard of but am lucky to have. I appreciate the urgency of your message and applaud the fact that you are trying to be confidential but since I know all of my relatives (though there are a few I'd prefer not claim) any attempt on my part to receive this inheritance would result in a frowny face from God and I'd rather not have that happen.
11. No thank you. This is a generic no thank you to anyone I have missed. Rest assured it was not intentional and I would never have rejected you outright or hurt your feelings if I could help it. But I am wearing the delete button out on my computer and I'm pretty sure they won't just replace that one button at the computer hospital. Please cease and desist all communications with me unless I e-mail you first. Then feel free to either hit reply or delete at your pleasure.
Respectfully,
Your spam receiver