Don't let the difficulties of the present moments overshadow the reality of God's promises. God's promises still stand. And God's promises are stronger than our failures.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Artificial Nails and Other Stuff

In my own defense I want to tell you right up front that I have no thyroid gland. And in case that makes no sense to you, I had to have surgery years and years ago and have the darn thing taken out because it kept growing and growing until it looked like I might need a wheelbarrow to carry it. Well, I could be exaggerating just a little. The thyroid gland controls lots of stuff, like metabolism (which is my excuse for being 20 or 40 pounds overweight) and nail growth (they don’t) and hair growth (it does but it’s thin) and dry skin and how much you sleep. Now don’t you lazy people out there automatically assume you have thyroid problems just because you like to sleep – it doesn’t work like that. Anyway, my skin is dry which is ok because I just buy lotion by the gallon. It’s cheaper that way anyhow. And I don’t have much body hair which is great. I’ll be discreet and just say that I don’t have to shave under my arms and a bikini wax will never be in my future. But the worst part of this whole thyroid deficiency is that my nails won’t grow, and when they do they peel and split and break. This is not ok. Until you don’t have nails you don’t realize how much you need them, how much you use them. Try opening that tiny little round thing that holds your necklace or bracelet together. Impossible. And why do they make those so hard to open anyway? Try scratching your husband’s back for him – it does not work the same to rub! And if you can’t scratch his back how are you going to talk him into scratching yours? And what’s the point of getting a new diamond ring if you can’t hold that hand out in front of you with pride as you walk into the quilt guild meeting, making sure everyone notices what your husband just gave you? I’m just sayin’.

So, for the last few or many years I’ve worn artificial nails. If I sat down to calculate how much I’ve spent on these things I’d probably be a mite upset at the BMW I could have had instead. But I won’t go there. It would just be too depressing. I have formed a close and lasting bond with the girls at the nail salon. I know all about their families and their illnesses and even have some of their recipes. You’d think since we’re such good friends they’d at least give me a discount but no, that doesn’t happen.

I don’t mind so much the money or the time or even the fact that I need the artificial nails. It’s the pitying looks I get from “real women”, women who have real nails, long & beautiful nails of their own. They look at you like “Girl, what in the world is wrong with you that you can’t even grow nails?” What’s up with that? I don’t look at them like that knowing all the time that they get a little help from Lady Clairol. Or that they’ve made a quick little visit to the dermatologist for some Botox injections. In April I had a little stroke. That’s what the doctor called it but I’m bettin’ that if it was his stroke he wouldn’t be calling it little. Wouldn’t you know, as a result they made me get off hormones after 25 years on them. Yes, 25 years. Needless to say I’m in the middle of hormone withdrawals - do these women with the looooong nails really want to mess with me? I don’t think so. You might want to warn them.
For those of you wondering if I'm ever going to get back to stitchin' stuff - tomorrow girls, tomorrow.


Grace said...

I'm a violinist by birth. So I've only had nails once in my life - for my wedding...


sister sheri said...

I had my thyroid removed over 14 years ago due to thyroid cancer. Are you on synthroid? It sounds like you are tending towards hyperthyroid with your symptoms. They nicked my parathyroids during the surgery so I take extra calcium and vitamin D... I keep my nails short but they are strong... I'll be praying for you... Yikes! I hate having my hormones messed with! It's hard enough just dealing with the thyroid!

Ivory Spring said...

Hi Marlene,

I don't keep beautiful nails either because it's just too hard with the upkeep since I am a "real" woman that has to deal with housework and other things... I always thought those women have pretty nails must not have to do the housework I have to do... hahaha.
Plus, I am also a pianist, pretty nails are never a priority.

Take heart, my friend - in my mind, you are a REAL woman!

Cyndy said...

I am so glad I stumbled upon your blog. Your blog are always so funny and interesting! I loved the ones where you took the grandkids camping. My husband and I have a class c motorhome, and I just don't think there's enough room for the grandkids. But of course, I would make the room!
I'm from Texas, so I also understand the Bless Her Heart. Oh, how many times have I heard that expression!
As far as the nails, I used to have mine done all the time, then just got tired of taking the time to have them done. But I always feel better about myself when I do!
Now, about quilting. That's on my "to learn how" list. Just not enough hours in the day to do all I want to do!

Calamity Jane's Cottage, Bonnie said...

Hi Marlene, I love reading your stories, from your nails to bless your heart. You are a lady with laughter in her heart. I went and looked at your purse, very cute. I put you on my Blogs to brag about. Thanks for sharing,
Have a Blessed Day,

Ivory Spring said...

Hi Marlene,

Thanks for the kind comment on my art prints - yes, the missionary that painted those animals was a very talented artist. I have some bigger ones of his that I need to frame as well....

Lindah said...

Hello! I just had the most delightful time reading back through your posts. I'm so glad I found your blog. By the way, any grandma who takes 4 grandchildren camping is a "real woman" in my book! :-)

Southern Lady said...

Hi, Marlene ...

Just a note to say 'hello' and let you know I tagged you for a post on your "Five Favorite Things." I hope you don't mind. They can be books, movies, people, house things ... just whatever you'd like to share.

I enjoyed your post on your nails and can relate, and loved your "Bless Your Heart" post. I've been guilty of those "gotcha" bless your hearts, but will try to remember to only give sincere ones from now on.

I'll look forward to hearing about your "Five Favorite Things" soon.


Ruthie said...

I think your nails look great. My thyroid is OK, but my nails split and are never long either. I had an American Manicure - which makes it look like your nails are longerk, but not so white as the French Manicure. I've wondered about adding nails???
Enjoying your blog.

Marcie said...

Your nails looks lovely, bless your heart! Lol! I just started getting mine done this year and LOVE them! No excuses needed!

Honest to Ya~Ya said...

I've always had thin nails that peel easily, the bane of my existence...LOL!
I've heard the polish stays on these better, but I've never found it in my budget to get any...I have a funny youtube about visiting a nail salon that I will send you!

Angie said...

Hi Marlene! Just catching up on a bit of blog reading. I've never ever had my nails done as the budget won't stretch but I like to keep my nails, such as they are, short. The bone condition I have tends to make them very soft so although they do grow they easily bend backwards. It's not as if it hurts exactly but just the thought of it makes me cringe like someone's scrstching a blackboard!!
I love your pictures of your work. What a clever woman you are.
love, Angie, xx

Lori said...

Oh my gosh, I can so relate to the thyroid thing! I had been on Synthroid for 12 years, then was diagnosed with thyroid cancer in Nov. 2006. It took a year to regulate with meds after that. Not a fun time! Between being depressed and wanting to sleep all the time and then being so moody (which is not typically me) that no one wanted to be around me, I was beside myself. If a person has never experienced it, they have no idea how much that little organ does for a person.

Journeying said...

Lots of good things to read here . . . your hands look lovely....and where I live, I'm kinda out of it because I *don't* have the acrylic nails. I got them for my daughter's wedding and really loved the look - just can't afford to keep them. Bless your heart, just enjoy having pretty hands and go on about your business. Needless to say, being Southern, I enjoyed your BYH comments, especially the REAL ones. I have to say, though, that I don't think the others are always "gotcha" ones...sometimes more along the lines of "she may have picked a jerk to marry, but she's a sweet girl and we love her anyway and will always be there for her" I'm looking forward to reading the blogs you've pointed us toward - thank you for sharing good places to visit.
LOVED the vacation stuff!!

val said...

I do mosaics, play piano, dig in the garden,.....I haven't had nails since I was a kid.........and even then I probably didn't have good ones.......too busy making stuff! :-)